The lead, Jacob Dunlap got inside the reader by his thoughts and feelings. His moral compass, honor, is unlike those around him, and it comes out abruptly.
== A must read novel of passionate characters that all need and want something. A must read for those who enjoy Kindle.
— Richard Milleville
I provided another copy to Ed, an elderly retired neighbor. Ed got a thrill out of reading it and stayed up most of the night for the read. He then went through it all making changes and comments. He prefers short choppy sentences. He wanted to change the stare of the snake’s eyes to Caleb instead of the heat supply. He was not familiar with the old novel, The Last of the Mohicans. Also Ed wanted to put in sentences with colons and semicolons which are not compatible with fast paced commercial fiction.
My response to his comments:
My research shows that snakes see prey only in terms of the degree of heat from parts of a body so that will remain. The Last of the Mohicans was a favorite book of mine from childhood and remains so. The use of semicolons and colons should be minimal on commercial fiction. I thought the quoted part was very appropriate for this book for obvious reasons. I was delighted that he enjoyed it so very much that he lost sleep over it. He spent a great deal of time in his review of it and it is very detailed. His responses reveal that an older reader is very interested in a complex topic that has a lot of spark.
==Richard Milleville, a/k/a Duke
Comment on novel to be published on Kindle
Here is my critique, overall I really like it!
There was a great opening scene in this story which involved one of the potential main character’s death. It immediately roped me in and gave me a sense as to where the story was going. There did not seem to be a lot of unnecessary things at this stage. At the end of the first chapter there would seem to be two leads, Jacob and Daisy. Both of them fit in with the setting both in terms of their employment and speaking inflection.
The tone seems to fluctuate between lusty and depressed early on, and while later this might work I think at this stage you want a clear depressed tone; the husband just dies now isn’t the time to go into his wife’s assets. The narrator’s appreciation for her form can come in later.
The unknown narrator works. The word choice is spot on for the story. Scenes work well, I’d say don’t force a segue when you just break the chapter off and start a new one.
I definitely get the sense act one is over; it’s time for Jacob to find a job and Daisy to avenge her husband without law enforcement to help.
Don, SMU English major, Dallas, Texas
Richard Milleville has written an extremely original action packed novel. The beginning shows the evil serpent in a church. It viciously kills an innocent man. Thus, this act unveils the characters and plots through their reaction to it as Daisy, wife of the victim, is shown as a strong character rising to the challenges that are developing. Jacob, the widows’ best friend helps her as much as possible.
The plot depicts the struggle between evil and good with events, and characters who overcome evil forces, and how these divine characters challenge them. This is a well thought plot with all the elements that make one not want to put it down.
It has been a pleasure reading your manuscript. What a wonderful imagination.
PS: Connie and I read this out loud to each other – what fun!
Mada & Connie, San Antonio, Texas residents read the story by candlelight; the electricity, internet, phone, and air-conditioning were out for five days in that very hot humid city.
“I decided in my life that I would do nothing that did not reflect positively on my Father’s life.”
Mother’s Day, the second Sunday in May; today, May, 11, 2014, wake up to say.
I Love you
Hopefully she is with you today; if not for her, you time on this earth could be delayed.
PS: Happiness for today is having a Mother to send a card and flowers to.
“There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.”
Is hope a butterfly that leaves on the next gust of wind, or a concrete thought carefully wrapped in tape?
It could be good thoughts for a friends, family or loves, or just concerns about their fate.
Regardless if it moves or stays; it lasts for a lifetime in the haze.
“Life is short, read what evokes passion; it increases blood flow to the arteries.”
–Richard Milleville, Dukes Quotes
“Yes, love can be structured, in fiction. I do not think you need to be a romantic at heart, but experience helps. In real life lovers struggle, during, before, and after. Boy meets girl, gets girl, loses girl. The opposition always steps in; the opposition is anything and everything, even the weather. If they end happily, it gives us hope, maybe we can find love too. If there is a tragic ending, it is better to have loved and lost….”
–Richard Milleville, The Passionate Novel